Making the Cut

For those of us who are considered “driven”, we often “see” our futures stretched out in front of us at an early age. We begin checking off the tasks that need completed in order to get to our “destination”, even if the effort in doing so has more to do with the checking-off and not the actual experience.

I have been primarily a “driven” person, complete with a built in “cut-the-corners” ability that squeaks me across the finish line in most cases. Sadly, this habit has always left me feeling a bit unfulfilled… lacking. I was not doing my best in completing my tasks to reach my goals, and I knew it; I have learned to keep this habit in check. God also expects us to do all things in His name, to the best of our abilities, and for His kingdom.

When I was in undergrad, I knew I wanted to be an art professor. I knew it was what I was supposed to do, and I never changed my mind. Somehow, because of God, I made it! I made it through undergrad, my master’s degree, and had strategically placed people in my life who gave me opportunities to teach art at the college level by the age of 26… in small town USA… because there just so happened to be openings in art departments near my home. THAT IS GOD!!! The colleges I was able to teach at had GOOD art programs. They were not mediocre.

After three and a half years of teaching part-time at numerous colleges, I landed my first full-time position at the school where I completed my undergraduate degree. The photography professor I studied under retired, and the head of the department was so please with the part-time work I had done for him the first year of my teaching career, that he hired me. I was beyond thrilled! I praised the Lord over and over again. My vision, my goal, became my reality.

Then, the unexpected happened. I had feelings, thoughts, that began bubbling up inside of me. I felt like I didn’t want to be a professor! Over the first few years of my career, I had gotten married to a wonderful man and blessed with the most amazing little boy. My priorities had changed, and I struggled to balance them in a way that seemed right.

The biggest hurdle was that I felt my son was not meant to be in public school. Our family had been going through some difficult situations when my son started kindergarten, and I just felt he needed a more personal and tailored education. I had no idea how to teach full-time and homeschool my son. Yes, homeschool. I felt the Lord put homeschooling on my heart very heavily… BUT HOW?!

I stayed in that first full-time professorship for three years. The feelings of not wanting to teach fulltime came after my first year. I continued to teach another two years with my feelings growing stronger and stronger, but I knew God was going to give me an answer to these feelings, because I was praying and working with Him. I knew I was not supposed to quit, because while I was struggling, I truly loved my co-workers and students. It was a good job.

In December of 2018, the college I was teaching at was struggling financially, and I was let go with several other professors. To this day, I wonder if God answered my prayers for help in navigating a hard choice, or if He was whispering to me that I would not be working at this school for long. Looking back, I believe it was the latter. God knows our hearts, and while being let go and having the option to homeschool my son was what I wanted, it was not the best life for me; I will explain…

I finished the academic year at the college I was let go from, then slowly began to look at job options. The reality is that I needed a job to help take care of our hobby farm; that is a story for another time. I ended up working at a local performing theatre, but the schedule was worse than teaching! I ended up having to leave that job. But, one day in July of 2019, I received a phone call. One of the colleges I taught part time at had a position open up in the art department due to a professor taking a lead designer job on campus. Really God??? This is a top school in our country by the way.

I literally felt frozen, confused. I was trying so hard to figure out how to homeschool my son before the next academic year started, and now I have this amazing offer. What should I do? Which one is more important? As I have said before, our God is a good father. I talked to my husband, and we agreed that I should take the job, so I did.

My son went back to public school, and I continued to feel the same feelings. I was struggling in my head and heart. I prayed and spoke to Jesus, “Here I am again, Lord. Did I make a mistake, Lord?” My husband kept reassuring me that God does not just offer up professorships to everyone, especially art professors who live among the cornfields of the Midwest. He assured me these feelings would resolve themselves.

I knew my husband was right. I knew God put me in this new job for a reason. I continued to stick it out, and it was mentally draining some days. The fact is, my struggles were being made by me, not the Lord. I had cultivated my own understanding of what my life was meant to look like, and not what the Lord was doing in my life.

As the school year went by, there was a global shutdown. COVID-19.

There are so many rabbit trails I could go down at this point, great testimonies and stories of praise and worship, but I want to finish up here. Sometime during the spring and summer of 2020, I fell in love with my new job, and I found a hybrid school near my job for my son. It is a combination of classical education and homeschooling. I also have a dear friend who tutors my son at our house on the days I work and my son is learning from home.

Since my son has been taught at home part-time for seven months now, I know that teaching him at home full-time is not ideal for either of us. God knew that, so He gave us the perfect opportunity instead. I had heard God correctly about homeschooling, but the details of what that meant looked different than I had imagined. Sometimes we try to put God’s messages to us in neat, organized boxes, but our God is bigger than that.

The lesson of this story is, God gives us feelings to help us navigate life and make choices, but we have to make sure we keep Him in the entire process. We need to learn to wait on Him, to hear Him, and to trust Him. If we do, He will align the desires of our hearts in a way the is best for us. We must not set expectations either.

I was meant to be a college professor. My son was not meant to go to public school; he is flourishing at his school and with his tutor. The peace and awe of what God has orchestrated in my life alone is so powerful, and proof of His existence in our lives. I have learned to slow down and not “cut corners”. A day is 24 hours long no matter how present in the moment we are allowing ourselves to be. When you slow down and “feel” every moment, God’s whispers have room to breathe and linger. Fulfillment is reached. You are no longer just making the cut, but a solid chosen one.